When I was younger I was INCREDIBLY self-conscience. I truly had not an ounce of self esteem. I am not sure why, I look back on my middle and high school pictures and I wasn't overweight ever (except a few months in sixth grade). I was 5'8", 125. I was even a fairly attractive girl - I had creamy white skin, blonde hair, blue eyes. I never had acne problems or any other weird skin problems, I was lucky. I had some good curves going on too. I developed pretty early, I remember the day in sixth grade when muffy and buffy (yep I named them) came out to play with me. So truly I had no reason to think I was ugly and fat EVER.
There was a problem though... Acceptance was VERY hard. I lived in a very rich community yet my family was far from being rich. We weren't dirt poor, I mean we had a home and I was sufficiently fed. When you grow up in a place where all the girls have designer brand clothing, you tend to feel poor with your consignment shop clothing. Even in high school we had more money and I could go to the cheap shops in the malls for clothing once a year. Not having money made me an outcast. I did not fit in with the rich crowd, and essentially when they learned the value of money in middle school they dropped my friendship faster than you can say cat.
SO being the outcast where the cool kids don't like you really takes a toll that popular kids don't understand. Every child longs for acceptance more than anything in the world, and when they don't get it an ego can be completely destroyed. Mine was. Especially because the kids I went to school with not only dropped my friendship, they became mean. I remember this one time in sixth grade where one of the "cool" boys asked me to the school dance. Of course it turned out being a mean joke the girls wanted to witness. How could a guy like that want to take a girl like me (yeah because I was So disgusting?) to a dance. Stuff like that really hurts when you are trying to find yourself.
So I became a super depressed young teenager. I started hating everyone - I mean if those girls I knew for ten years dropped me like that, then everyone must be out to do the same thing. My parents really never understood what I experienced at that age, and quite honestly they did not help me through those hard times. Pretend the bullying doesn't happen. Denial is not just a river mom and dad. This caused me to turn to the rebels. It was easy being accepted by them. They didn't care how much money you did or didn't have. They didn't play mean jokes on me. They knew I was a weakened lost sould that needed attention from SOMEBODY.
The first group of rebels were not so bad. They were only a few years older than me. They smoked cigs and drank and dabbled in pot, but that was it. But - for some reason I was not dating material to any of them. This hurt bad. Every other girl had a boyfriend (even my fat friend, not like that should matter but at that age where I grew up it DID), what was so wrong with me that made it so boys did not like me? I still look back at it now and don't understand why I couldn't get a boyfriend that was my age... One of those wonders of the world.
Seeing as my group of rebellious friends had no interest in dating me caused me to go to yet another group of rebels. This time though not high school aged boys even. They told me they were nineteen, and I know now they were at least twenty-two and some older. It seriously disgusts me thinking how a 22 year old man thinks it is ok to hang out with a 15 year old girl. But the way I see it -- they were disgusting, no-good, filthy, dirty, scummy, desperate, pathetic excuses of a human being, and they saw my desperation and they flocked to it. They knew it would be easy to pursuade a weak teenage girl to have sex. Those type of people (and yes I am referring to sick and twisted sexual predators) pray to whatever it is they believe in for girls like me to cross their paths.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A meeting with the senator - the detailed report
Well I wanted to add something positive to this blog, as I feel like so much of it has been negative. As I have mentioned, healing is lifelong process. BUT... Just because I work on myself on a daily basis does not mean I am a depressed person. In fact - I am probably one of the most happy and positive people you could ever meet, and until you sat down to get to know me you would not know I have been through so many traumas in life. I do not let anything get me down too bad. I have drive and determination like you couldn't imagine.
So one of my biggest goals in life is to turn all of my negative experiences into something positive. I finally was blessed with an amazing opportunity to do so. After working with Advocates for Victims of Assault for three years my advocate decided I was far enough along in my healing process to be connected with the Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CASA). Last month I received an e-mail regarding a bill that was about to go through the political process of being approved (it goes through House first, then Senate, then on to the Governer to be signed or vetod).
The bill is in regards to Sexual Offender Management Board (SOMB). Basically this bill was in place in my state for awhile. It expired two years ago. It is all about sexual offender management/assesment/treatment. It is INCREDIBLY important. Survivors of sexual assault truly depend on the justice system to help them out. Justice is ALREADY hard enough to be served in sexual assault cases, so management of sexual offenders is even more important. The bill got vetod by the governer after being approved by House and Senate last year due to some controversial language in it. Many organizations spent all year long rewriting this bill to hopefully accomodate to what needed to be changed. If the bill does not pass this year, then 20 years of work goes down the drain because the bill will NEVER be able to come back again. (Once a bill is vetod twice it cannot become a bill ever again)
So CASA realizes the importance of reaching out to our state senators and house representatives to let them know how important passing this bill is, and why it is so important to pass. So I e-mailed my district senator (actually someone I voted for!!!) and asked to set up a meeting with her to discuss this bill. And to my amazement, she responded and a meeting was set up for yesterday.
I was incredibly nervous, as I have never been too political in my lifetime, and the prospect of having a one-on-one meeting with a senator and explaining to her that I am a sexual assault survivor is terrifying... But regardless, I want to make a difference and have my voice heard, and this seems to be a good way of going about it.
I got down to the city and went to the CASA office for my first time. Got to meet their staff and some of the other volunteers. They set me up with an amazing volunteer who has done more work for them so I had a little support system with me and did not go into the situation blindly. We then walked over to the capital building and met up with a CASA lobbyist (who also happened to have the same name as one of my warrior sisters) who was also joining us. We truly were the perfect threesome...
So my lobbyist knew the meeting was going to be a little late, as the senate was in a meeting fighting about budget. We went up and witnessed the end of the meeting, which was an experience in itself. I thought I could talk fast :), but the guy speaking in the senate probably spoke 50 wpm (and it was so fast probably way more than 50), SERIOUSLY. So this was my first time witnessing the political process, and it was just really cool to see.
After the meeting was over the three of us met my senator and went up to her private office. First the lobbyist talked about the actual bill, what happened with it last year, and the changes they made to it for this year. I was glad she was there to give that info, as I would not have been able to explain it nearly as good as she did.
Then it was my turn to talk... I introduced myself as a thirty year old native of this state. I thanked the senator for taking time out of her day, and let her know how amazing it was to have an opportunity to have a voice, especially after being silenced for so long. She smiled at me, and I knew she actually cared about me and what I had to say, and that fueled the fire!!!
I let her know that I was sexually assaulted when I was fifteen. I did not go into any details, as I did not necessarily think the details were of importance. I let her know how badly justice failed me back then, and how survivors completely depend on the justice system. I explained that it was already hard enough to get justice served, because essentially when it comes down to it, it is a he said she said thing, and unless someone was there witnessing the act, there is no way to determine the ENTIRE truth... (Unfortunately there is a small percentage of people that report for revenge, and that has made it so hard for real cases to get justice served). So we talked about that for awhile, meanwhile the other volunteer chimed in intermittently.
Then the senator let us know she had met with the opposition recently. A group called Advocates For Change, which is basically full of offenders and their family members. The opposition had talked about how their sons/husbands/or whomevers lives were ruined because of one "mistake." They gave a sob story on how because of that one mistake they would have to work on themselves for the rest of their lives (by court order for counseling/treatment/etc.). Hearing that made me truly sick.
So I look at the senator and say, I understand where they are coming from with that statement, but honestly I do not think the offenders realize what their victims go through because of the experience. It is a lifelong experience. I told her how I suffer from PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, trust issues, etc. I told her how I have been to counseling for fifteen years now, and still need to continue. I told her how fortunate I am to have access to free counseling and such, but there are so many other people out there who DON'T... Those people need as much help as they can get. I then told her about my adult sexual assault, which also went into investigation only to be closed due to lack of evidence. I told her how my police officer did some research and found my rapist was convicted back in 1994 for another rape (he raped me in 2006). If there had been the management and treatment in effect he probably would not have reoffended to me, or a few other people who came forward about him and ended up dropping their cases as well. The entire time I was saying these things the senator was actually LISTENING to me, and understanding what I was trying to get out.
Talk about some empowerment. Our meeting ended, and I got congratulated by the senator for experiencing what I have in life and coming out on top. Having someone in "power" say that to you is amazing, a complete, well-deserved ego booster.
So I thought that was it for my day, and myself and my two counteparts talked about how successful that meeting was, and how great we all did! I was floating in cloud nine, my voice was heard, the day was successful!
We were walking out and my lobbyist noticed a House representative walking around, and recruited her asking if she had some time to talk. She said she had a meeting in fifteen minutes and she would love to talk. So we literally sat in the hallway of the capital building and had a meeting, the lobbyist had to leave so it was just me and the other volunteer. This meeting was a little more intimidating, as this representative was not nearly as personable as the senator. We just basically explained the bill, what happened last year with it, and what changed this year. Then I again got to inform a politician that I was a sexual assault survivor and we depend on the system to help. As much as she wasn't personable, she did listen, and that's what counts!!!
So yeah, I made some positive out of the negative. It was and still is an amazing feeling. Now I am preparing for my testimony for when the bill goes in front of the House. I am also setting up more meetings with senators and house representatives before the big bill day. It feels great to have a voice again, and it's not just my voice, I am speaking for so many others. I truly have found my calling in life, and I know between the psychology side of my work and working with victims, and the other side of working the political system I will make a difference and touch so many along the way! I am no longer silenced, and for me that is the most amazing thing EVER!!!
And the great thing is... THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
So one of my biggest goals in life is to turn all of my negative experiences into something positive. I finally was blessed with an amazing opportunity to do so. After working with Advocates for Victims of Assault for three years my advocate decided I was far enough along in my healing process to be connected with the Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CASA). Last month I received an e-mail regarding a bill that was about to go through the political process of being approved (it goes through House first, then Senate, then on to the Governer to be signed or vetod).
The bill is in regards to Sexual Offender Management Board (SOMB). Basically this bill was in place in my state for awhile. It expired two years ago. It is all about sexual offender management/assesment/treatment. It is INCREDIBLY important. Survivors of sexual assault truly depend on the justice system to help them out. Justice is ALREADY hard enough to be served in sexual assault cases, so management of sexual offenders is even more important. The bill got vetod by the governer after being approved by House and Senate last year due to some controversial language in it. Many organizations spent all year long rewriting this bill to hopefully accomodate to what needed to be changed. If the bill does not pass this year, then 20 years of work goes down the drain because the bill will NEVER be able to come back again. (Once a bill is vetod twice it cannot become a bill ever again)
So CASA realizes the importance of reaching out to our state senators and house representatives to let them know how important passing this bill is, and why it is so important to pass. So I e-mailed my district senator (actually someone I voted for!!!) and asked to set up a meeting with her to discuss this bill. And to my amazement, she responded and a meeting was set up for yesterday.
I was incredibly nervous, as I have never been too political in my lifetime, and the prospect of having a one-on-one meeting with a senator and explaining to her that I am a sexual assault survivor is terrifying... But regardless, I want to make a difference and have my voice heard, and this seems to be a good way of going about it.
I got down to the city and went to the CASA office for my first time. Got to meet their staff and some of the other volunteers. They set me up with an amazing volunteer who has done more work for them so I had a little support system with me and did not go into the situation blindly. We then walked over to the capital building and met up with a CASA lobbyist (who also happened to have the same name as one of my warrior sisters) who was also joining us. We truly were the perfect threesome...
So my lobbyist knew the meeting was going to be a little late, as the senate was in a meeting fighting about budget. We went up and witnessed the end of the meeting, which was an experience in itself. I thought I could talk fast :), but the guy speaking in the senate probably spoke 50 wpm (and it was so fast probably way more than 50), SERIOUSLY. So this was my first time witnessing the political process, and it was just really cool to see.
After the meeting was over the three of us met my senator and went up to her private office. First the lobbyist talked about the actual bill, what happened with it last year, and the changes they made to it for this year. I was glad she was there to give that info, as I would not have been able to explain it nearly as good as she did.
Then it was my turn to talk... I introduced myself as a thirty year old native of this state. I thanked the senator for taking time out of her day, and let her know how amazing it was to have an opportunity to have a voice, especially after being silenced for so long. She smiled at me, and I knew she actually cared about me and what I had to say, and that fueled the fire!!!
I let her know that I was sexually assaulted when I was fifteen. I did not go into any details, as I did not necessarily think the details were of importance. I let her know how badly justice failed me back then, and how survivors completely depend on the justice system. I explained that it was already hard enough to get justice served, because essentially when it comes down to it, it is a he said she said thing, and unless someone was there witnessing the act, there is no way to determine the ENTIRE truth... (Unfortunately there is a small percentage of people that report for revenge, and that has made it so hard for real cases to get justice served). So we talked about that for awhile, meanwhile the other volunteer chimed in intermittently.
Then the senator let us know she had met with the opposition recently. A group called Advocates For Change, which is basically full of offenders and their family members. The opposition had talked about how their sons/husbands/or whomevers lives were ruined because of one "mistake." They gave a sob story on how because of that one mistake they would have to work on themselves for the rest of their lives (by court order for counseling/treatment/etc.). Hearing that made me truly sick.
So I look at the senator and say, I understand where they are coming from with that statement, but honestly I do not think the offenders realize what their victims go through because of the experience. It is a lifelong experience. I told her how I suffer from PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, trust issues, etc. I told her how I have been to counseling for fifteen years now, and still need to continue. I told her how fortunate I am to have access to free counseling and such, but there are so many other people out there who DON'T... Those people need as much help as they can get. I then told her about my adult sexual assault, which also went into investigation only to be closed due to lack of evidence. I told her how my police officer did some research and found my rapist was convicted back in 1994 for another rape (he raped me in 2006). If there had been the management and treatment in effect he probably would not have reoffended to me, or a few other people who came forward about him and ended up dropping their cases as well. The entire time I was saying these things the senator was actually LISTENING to me, and understanding what I was trying to get out.
Talk about some empowerment. Our meeting ended, and I got congratulated by the senator for experiencing what I have in life and coming out on top. Having someone in "power" say that to you is amazing, a complete, well-deserved ego booster.
So I thought that was it for my day, and myself and my two counteparts talked about how successful that meeting was, and how great we all did! I was floating in cloud nine, my voice was heard, the day was successful!
We were walking out and my lobbyist noticed a House representative walking around, and recruited her asking if she had some time to talk. She said she had a meeting in fifteen minutes and she would love to talk. So we literally sat in the hallway of the capital building and had a meeting, the lobbyist had to leave so it was just me and the other volunteer. This meeting was a little more intimidating, as this representative was not nearly as personable as the senator. We just basically explained the bill, what happened last year with it, and what changed this year. Then I again got to inform a politician that I was a sexual assault survivor and we depend on the system to help. As much as she wasn't personable, she did listen, and that's what counts!!!
So yeah, I made some positive out of the negative. It was and still is an amazing feeling. Now I am preparing for my testimony for when the bill goes in front of the House. I am also setting up more meetings with senators and house representatives before the big bill day. It feels great to have a voice again, and it's not just my voice, I am speaking for so many others. I truly have found my calling in life, and I know between the psychology side of my work and working with victims, and the other side of working the political system I will make a difference and touch so many along the way! I am no longer silenced, and for me that is the most amazing thing EVER!!!
And the great thing is... THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
Turning the negative into a positive - a day in politics!!!
So to give a little background on my current task: my state has had a Sexual Offender Management Board (SOMB) in effect since 1992ish. Basically the SOMB deals with convicted sexual offenders (so as we sadly know this only effects a small percentage of offenders as most don't get convictions, but it is steps in the right direction). The SOMB basically is an elected board of a variety of professionals, and they assess and manage (treatment providers, probation, other weird stuff) sexual predators. My state is one of the few states that has one of these, and it has taken a lot of hardwork over the years. The board expires in 2012, so the bill we are trying to get passed is a SOMB reauthorization bill, which would keep everything where it is now. If the bill does not pass this year, essentially the SOMB dissappears and 20 years of work goes down the drain.
So my meeting last week was a one on one meeting with my district senator (who I voted for which made it super cool!) to explain to her what I had personally been through and why that made it so important for me personally to have the bill pass. The bill doesn't actually go to senate for a while, but we have these meetings in hope that it makes it that far! This meeting was great, the senator was a wonderful person who listened and cared about what I said. I even snuck in another meeting that day in the hallway of the capital with a house representative (who happened to be on the committee today, so a good one to talk to). She wasn't quite as warm. Regardless she listened.
So today the bill went in front of the house of representatives committee, which is open to the public. Firstly our meeting started about five hours late because of protests at the capital. Everyone was pretty tired at this point. First the opposition got up and spoke. One of the things they don't like about SOMB is that sexual offenders are treated as if they will ALWAYS reoffend unless managed and treated properly for their ENTIRE lives. The opposition cries about how a person's life (rapist) is ruined because of one "mistake" (yeah right). It seriously amazes me the amount of denial on their part, and the minimization of the crime. Another thing they don't realize is SOMB doesn't give a cookie cutter treatment for offenders, they are all treated differently. Anyways, it was hard to listen to that testimony, but good to hear the crazy thought processes of the people we are fighting against.
So after the opposition spoke, a bunch of proffessionals came and talked, and it was very informative. The weird thing about the committees is it is a bunch of politicians you are testifying to, and they are all reading, talking, etc. After the professional it was time for our group to speak (mostly all volunteers for CASA like me, but some therapists, lawyers as well). When we got up there the politicians literally stopped doing everything and listened to us speak. It was a small group of survivors all telling their own personal stories (and you only have 2 minutes to talk, usually three but since so late tonight we had to limit our time more). The politicians were empathizing, I was amazed. It was hard to hear everyone's tragic stories. There were a lot of younger childhood abuses, and I was the only one whose didn't happen until teen years.
So my turn to speak comes, and I must say I have had my whole speech written down for a week, timed, and practied in front of people. I got up there and choked. I pretty much didn't say much that was written down :) BUt I said I was a sexual abuse survivor. I had been through multiple sexual assaults in my lifetime. The first happened when I was 15, by 3 men between the ages of 22-25. I said I hesitantly went to the police, and was failed miserably. I told how I was thrown into an interrogation room with a MALE police officer and nobody else (even my parents) to give testimony, only 15 remember. I said how the officer threatened to throw my boyfriend in jail, even though he did not commit the crim, or have anything to do with it, so I dropped the case. Then I said my most recent sexual assault happened in 2006. I went to the police again, and my case was closed, reopen, and closed again. I said how the police officer involved did some research and found my offender was convicted of rape in another state in 1994. I also let them know the reason my case kept getting reopened because other females that I did not know had come forward to the police about being raped by my perpatrator. I then said even with a prior conviction and multiple victims he is still walking free and I have to see him all the time. (One of the big things with SOMB is the propensity to reoffend, and I think the second assault showed this point very well) Then I closed saying how it is obvious how hard it is to get justice served. So when a victim actually gets a conviction it is important to have an effective system in place that assess, manages and treats sexual offenders! (I was going to talk about the lifelong healing for victims, but one of the other women talked about it and we wanted to cover all points)That was my two minutes :)
I couldn't stay late enough to see if the committee passed it, but they would have to be crazy not to. SO if it passes there it goes to the House of Reps, which is a closed meeting. Then if it passes there it goes to the senate committee, meaning I do this again at that level. Then if it passes there it goes to the senate, again a closed meeting. Then if it passes there on to the governer to be passed or vetoed... (I found out it was unanimosly passed in the committee).
Let me tell you how incredibly intimidating and empowering it is to get up in front of a VERY INTIMIDATING group of strangers and share your rape stories... Now I just pray this bill passes... I have also realized that on top of getting my PhD in Psychology I am getting a Masters in Political Science (I never imagined) so I can continue doing this type of work, but on a much bigger scale, and with much more knowledge ( knowing more about what the bills actually are, not just speaking on their behalf).
So now it went to the House floor and it passed there, so next stop senate committee where I will testify again, then if it passes there on to the senate floor, then if passed there the Governer will pass or veto!!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Get him outta my head
Another piece from 2007 in regards to my father.
Sometimes I go weeks without even thinking of him. Sometmes I go weeks without crying over him AGAIN. Those times seem to come more and more as time goes by. And then there are the times you get a letter in the mail for him. These letters are something you have to open up so you can call the place and PLEA with them to stop sending his mail to your address, it's too painful. Then you actually have to read the letter to figure out where you need to be calling, and the letter itself opens up more wounds you thought had healed. You read through the letter and realize everything you had tried to believe from his mouth, was once more complete bullshit. And then the depression kicks in momentarily. The depression because at the age of 26 you have realized AGAIN that you have no father. He may as well be dead, it would probably be less painful to you. At least if he was dead he couldn't hurt you over and over anymore. So you are sitting in this realm of depression momentarily, because of the realization that your father lies to you. That everything he told you about his healing process was BULLSHIT. Now of course, this was almost expected, but once more you tried to have faith. So as surprising as it may seem, it isn't surprising at all. So to get through it, you sit back, relax for a second, take a deep breath in, breathe out, another deep breath in, and BELIEVE. Believe that regardless of all of it, life is still great. Believe that just because your father has made it quite apparent that he will never be your daddy, that you will still go on, that there are still people out there who care about you. Believe in goodness in general. After that, things are better again. Once more you learn to just brush the thought of dad off your shoulders. Hey look, bedtime now, you survived the day.
The next day you wake up with so many other thoughts on your mind, that the daddy is a thing of the past once more. You start working, and seemingly it is a very busy day. Two o'clock comes around and the phone rings. You have to answer, the number is unknown, it could be a business call. "Hello." Then the voice you least expected was on the other end. The voice that makes you cry the second you hear it. The voice that has stabbed your back too many times to count anymore. So take a deep breath again, this always seems to help calm things down. Give him a chance to talk, maybe this time is different (you would think I would have learned by now, after 8 years of hearing the exact same fucking thing, but NO). Now of course this phone call was similar to everyone you have received in the past. Dad is calling because guess what, he NEEDS something from you. Well last time I checked I was the daughter and it should be me calling him for help, not vica-versa. But what can you do, trying to bring this to his attention has never done any good previously. I guess I just have to do what I have done recently - act like there is no way for me to help him. Tell him I have no money to give him (hell yes I have money, but I work for it daddy). Tell him there is no way I can just drop what I was doing to go cater to him (although this is true).
Sometimes I go weeks without even thinking of him. Sometmes I go weeks without crying over him AGAIN. Those times seem to come more and more as time goes by. And then there are the times you get a letter in the mail for him. These letters are something you have to open up so you can call the place and PLEA with them to stop sending his mail to your address, it's too painful. Then you actually have to read the letter to figure out where you need to be calling, and the letter itself opens up more wounds you thought had healed. You read through the letter and realize everything you had tried to believe from his mouth, was once more complete bullshit. And then the depression kicks in momentarily. The depression because at the age of 26 you have realized AGAIN that you have no father. He may as well be dead, it would probably be less painful to you. At least if he was dead he couldn't hurt you over and over anymore. So you are sitting in this realm of depression momentarily, because of the realization that your father lies to you. That everything he told you about his healing process was BULLSHIT. Now of course, this was almost expected, but once more you tried to have faith. So as surprising as it may seem, it isn't surprising at all. So to get through it, you sit back, relax for a second, take a deep breath in, breathe out, another deep breath in, and BELIEVE. Believe that regardless of all of it, life is still great. Believe that just because your father has made it quite apparent that he will never be your daddy, that you will still go on, that there are still people out there who care about you. Believe in goodness in general. After that, things are better again. Once more you learn to just brush the thought of dad off your shoulders. Hey look, bedtime now, you survived the day.
The next day you wake up with so many other thoughts on your mind, that the daddy is a thing of the past once more. You start working, and seemingly it is a very busy day. Two o'clock comes around and the phone rings. You have to answer, the number is unknown, it could be a business call. "Hello." Then the voice you least expected was on the other end. The voice that makes you cry the second you hear it. The voice that has stabbed your back too many times to count anymore. So take a deep breath again, this always seems to help calm things down. Give him a chance to talk, maybe this time is different (you would think I would have learned by now, after 8 years of hearing the exact same fucking thing, but NO). Now of course this phone call was similar to everyone you have received in the past. Dad is calling because guess what, he NEEDS something from you. Well last time I checked I was the daughter and it should be me calling him for help, not vica-versa. But what can you do, trying to bring this to his attention has never done any good previously. I guess I just have to do what I have done recently - act like there is no way for me to help him. Tell him I have no money to give him (hell yes I have money, but I work for it daddy). Tell him there is no way I can just drop what I was doing to go cater to him (although this is true).
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A small glimpse
Originally written 2007:
For many years I lived life running away from what seemed to terrify me the most. INstead of trying to have a boyfriend like most teenage girls do, I tried to have as many flings as humanly possible. I let supposed friends abuse me in ways unfathomable. I pushed all my feelings under the carpet and pretended like my life was the perfect rebellious life, and that was exactly how I wanted it to be. I was raped at the age of 15 by three guys that I had been hanging out with. They drugged me up to the point where I had absolutely no idea what was going on, and then they took me in a room and had their way with me one by one. A month after this happened I realized what I was doing to myself, and tried to go to my friends and family for help and justice. Unfortunately my parents were too wrapped up in their own life to help their daughter get through the hard times, and turn back into the person they knew she was. I dealt with a corrupt police officer, who was actually fired months after he dealt with me for mishandling too many cases. He made everyone think I had lied about what happened to me. Which I will admit, I wasn't 100% honest with the exact situation, but I was a 15 year old that got thrown into one of those scary rooms with a male police officer all by myself, asking me to give every detail. I was scared and I just wanted someone to be there with me and help me be strong. So after the case was dismissed for my "lies," the rape was shoved under the carpet and everyone pretended like it never happened. At this point I hated everyone. I hated my parents for not being there, I hated my friends for not helping me after I had helped them through so much, I hated the cops for being dirty and not being more sensitive to a scared shitless teen, and most of all I hated guys for treating women the way they did and acting in that manner of desperation. Instead of punishing everyone else, I punished myself. I stopped doing good in school, I got into drugs, I became incredibly promiscuis, and I basically did everything I was not supposed to do.
For many years I lived life running away from what seemed to terrify me the most. INstead of trying to have a boyfriend like most teenage girls do, I tried to have as many flings as humanly possible. I let supposed friends abuse me in ways unfathomable. I pushed all my feelings under the carpet and pretended like my life was the perfect rebellious life, and that was exactly how I wanted it to be. I was raped at the age of 15 by three guys that I had been hanging out with. They drugged me up to the point where I had absolutely no idea what was going on, and then they took me in a room and had their way with me one by one. A month after this happened I realized what I was doing to myself, and tried to go to my friends and family for help and justice. Unfortunately my parents were too wrapped up in their own life to help their daughter get through the hard times, and turn back into the person they knew she was. I dealt with a corrupt police officer, who was actually fired months after he dealt with me for mishandling too many cases. He made everyone think I had lied about what happened to me. Which I will admit, I wasn't 100% honest with the exact situation, but I was a 15 year old that got thrown into one of those scary rooms with a male police officer all by myself, asking me to give every detail. I was scared and I just wanted someone to be there with me and help me be strong. So after the case was dismissed for my "lies," the rape was shoved under the carpet and everyone pretended like it never happened. At this point I hated everyone. I hated my parents for not being there, I hated my friends for not helping me after I had helped them through so much, I hated the cops for being dirty and not being more sensitive to a scared shitless teen, and most of all I hated guys for treating women the way they did and acting in that manner of desperation. Instead of punishing everyone else, I punished myself. I stopped doing good in school, I got into drugs, I became incredibly promiscuis, and I basically did everything I was not supposed to do.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Piece of Trust
I wrote this poem last year in my creative writing class. I think it sheds some light on the way my mind plays with me.
There is a significant piece buried deep inside
Never coming out, always playing hide
This piece, you see, consists of trust
To have any relationship - it's really a must
Trust makes me laugh, trust makes me cry
Trust has me always wondering why
Why should I try when I'm always proven wrong?
Why should I try when it's always the same song?
I try and let go and do as they say
Unfortunately things of this nature don't work that way...
Every man close to me
Has at some point broke the key
I learned to lock it tightly up
I learned to slightly cover up
To this day I cannot open
To this day still somehow broken
Why? You ask well listen now
Because the past it broke me now
Drugs from fathers, rape from "friends"
That's just the beginning, it still doesn't end
Mothers lying always crying
Cancer, lupus, Help, I'm trying
Who to talk to, noone listens
Who to trust now, that's a mission
Trust... Breathe... Stop the thoughts...
Trust... Breathe... They come a lot...
Not everyone is out to hurt
To stomp you and kick you around in the dirt
Just open up or they won't know
Just open up or they might go
You love yourself, let others try
They will love yourself, not hurt or lie
Distrust, distrust, I am saying goodbye...
There is a significant piece buried deep inside
Never coming out, always playing hide
This piece, you see, consists of trust
To have any relationship - it's really a must
Trust makes me laugh, trust makes me cry
Trust has me always wondering why
Why should I try when I'm always proven wrong?
Why should I try when it's always the same song?
I try and let go and do as they say
Unfortunately things of this nature don't work that way...
Every man close to me
Has at some point broke the key
I learned to lock it tightly up
I learned to slightly cover up
To this day I cannot open
To this day still somehow broken
Why? You ask well listen now
Because the past it broke me now
Drugs from fathers, rape from "friends"
That's just the beginning, it still doesn't end
Mothers lying always crying
Cancer, lupus, Help, I'm trying
Who to talk to, noone listens
Who to trust now, that's a mission
Trust... Breathe... Stop the thoughts...
Trust... Breathe... They come a lot...
Not everyone is out to hurt
To stomp you and kick you around in the dirt
Just open up or they won't know
Just open up or they might go
You love yourself, let others try
They will love yourself, not hurt or lie
Distrust, distrust, I am saying goodbye...
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