Get him outta my head

Another piece from 2007 in regards to my father.

Sometimes I go weeks without even thinking of him.  Sometmes I go weeks without crying over him AGAIN.  Those times seem to come more and more as time goes by.  And then there are the times you get a letter in the mail for him.  These letters are something you have to open up so you can call the place and PLEA with them to stop sending his mail to your address, it's too painful.  Then you actually have to read the letter to figure out where you need to be calling, and the letter itself opens up more wounds you thought had healed.  You read through the letter and realize everything you had tried to believe from his mouth, was once more complete bullshit.  And then the depression kicks in momentarily.  The depression because at the age of 26 you have realized AGAIN that you have no father.  He may as well be dead, it would probably be less painful to you.  At least if he was dead he couldn't hurt you over and over anymore.  So you are sitting in this realm of depression momentarily, because of the realization that your father lies to you.  That everything he told you about his healing process was BULLSHIT.  Now of course, this was almost expected, but once more you tried to have faith.  So as surprising as it may seem, it isn't surprising at all.  So to get through it, you sit back, relax for a second, take a deep breath in, breathe out, another deep breath in, and BELIEVE.  Believe that regardless of all of it, life is still great.  Believe that just because your father has made it quite apparent that he will never be your daddy, that you will still go on, that there are still people out there who care about you.  Believe in goodness in general.  After that, things are better again.  Once more you learn to just brush the thought of dad off your shoulders.  Hey look, bedtime now, you survived the day.

The next day you wake up with so many other thoughts on your mind, that the daddy is a thing of the past once more.  You start working, and seemingly it is a very busy day.  Two o'clock comes around and the phone rings.  You have to answer, the number is unknown, it could be a business call.  "Hello."  Then the voice you least expected was on the other end.  The voice that makes you cry the second you hear it.  The voice that has stabbed your back too many times to count anymore.  So take a deep breath again, this always seems to help calm things down.  Give him a chance to talk, maybe this time is different (you would think I would have learned by now, after 8 years of hearing the exact same fucking thing, but NO).  Now of course this phone call was similar to everyone you have received in the past.  Dad is calling because guess what, he NEEDS something from you.  Well last time I checked I was the daughter and it should be me calling him for help, not vica-versa.  But what can you do, trying to bring this to his attention has never done any good previously.  I guess I just have to do what I have done recently - act like there is no way for me to help him.  Tell him I have no money to give him (hell yes I have money, but I work for it daddy).  Tell him there is no way I can just drop what I was doing to go cater to him (although this is true).