A quick note

Just have to say, that for some reason I can't edit my intro post, lovely site.  ANyways, I speak of being sexually assaulted on 3 occassions.  Now that I have gone through LOTS of counseling and such, I have had to admit to myself the actual number of times it occured in my lifetime, and it is much more than previously disclosed.  Eventually I will begin to write about those to, when my mind is ready.

Hi, my name is... And I am a...

Hi, I have a name.  A name I choose not to disclose in this blog at this juncture.  I am a rape survivor.  Yes, I can say it to you on the computer, or sitting on the street.  I am a rape survivor.  Something I still am learning not to be ashamed of.  Something I have had to learn has changed my life, my values, my expectations - FOREVER.  Yes, FOREVER, the only thing in my life I will say is forever.  Thats a long time, seriously.  I don't believe in forever usually.  Thats why I don't believe in marriage.  Forever is so hard to commit to.  Life changes on a daily basis, so something you might say is forever one day could drastically change the next.  Anyways, back to the rape aspect of it all.  I have been raped multiple times.  Not once, not twice, not even thrice.  It took me 27 years and more rapes than I can count on my fingers to admit I had ever been raped.  I never saw it that way.  I was a bad person.  I was a rebel.  I put myself in bad situations.  I chose the wrong friends.  I wore the wrong clothes.  I drank too much.  I was a druggie.  I was an outcast looking for acceptance.  I caused it to happen.  It was my fault - EVERYTHING was my fault.  Always.  At least when I looked at life with that viewpoint there were things I could do to change the situations.  I could change.  I could become a better person.  I could dress differently.  I could stop going out.  I could stop drinking.  I could become a goody two-shoes.  I could get new friends.  I could stop living, stop experimenting, stop learning.  Yes, thats how easy it would have been...