The following are some pieces i wrote in my early twenties. After my sexual assult that I previously wrote about my mind became sick and twisted. To me, sex was something I knew little about. I believed if I had sex with someone right away they couldn't take it from me like those before had.
#1:
I walked into my head again the other day
There were so many different possibilities
I started to think about something important
Sex
Sounds funny to others
But it is a serious issue in my life
I long for meaningful sex
Something I never came across
I often wonder what it feels like
I think I had it once or twice before
Fuck it who cares
It feels great, a feeling I am addicted to
I have it all the time
I'm a player, and I'm playin' just to play
I won't stop til it feels right
That could take awhile, maybe forever
I'll just hide it from everyone
Make them think I'm innocent
I am an Angel anyway
See my halo, or did I loose it
I think it's along with my mind
Somewhere over the rainbow
At the bottom of the pot of gold
I tried to get it once
Unsuccussful of course
Maybe one day
Maybe not
Back to reality for now
#2 (originally written 1/30/05)
Finally reality kicks in
Reality of my true self
Of who I really am
Of what I really want
I want it all
The cake, the icing and the sprinkles
Why all the remorse then
Why the sorrow, the grief
Guilty pleasures I suppose
Oh how it feels so good
For a day or two maybe
Then it's time for a switch
I will test for as long as it takes
To find the satisfaction I NEED
#3
This piece is a further exploration into the motivations of your sexually active life. Since you were a kid you always had a dream. This dream was of one day living the life you wanted. Making good money, having a caring husband, having kids of your own, and having the career you worked to get. Then you grew up at home with what could be considered a dysfunctional family in some aspects.
Your parents were once in love with each other. Then, the older you got, the more you watched their love dissipate. inside, this affected you much more than you were willing to admit. There was a cerain point in your life that you realized your parents weren't meant to be together anymore. You watched your mother have a mental breakdown, which she blamed your father for. Then even after that they stayed together purely because they thought it would be healthier for you. Little did they know it was much more harmful that way.
When you turned fifteen, you knew in your heart they weren't going to last, but it was never dicussed. Instead, you bottled up your feelings inside you and started to let that control many things in your life. You felt abandoned, like you could never be fully loved by anyone because of the way your parents relationship was. So you started having flings, to get over the emptiness you had in your heart. Soon, you started hanging out with the wrong crowd and sex was introduced to you. Your "friends" led you to believe that you could never be loved because your parents couldn't love, so you may as well just start having unattached sex. That period of your life you were raped without knowing it. Raped of your innocence, of your morals and values, and raped of everything you had worked so hard to get.
After this period, you realized that you were with the wrong crowd. You realized that what you did was wrong, that you weren't that kind of person. Your next mistake was not forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made in the past. Instead, you felt guilty because of them. You made yourself believe that you were truly a bad person because of what you did that summer. You made yourself believe that you would always be bad. So instead of changing to be yourself, you continued living your life in the exact same way, continually getting worse. Your heart would not let you get over your guilt, or perhaps you would not allow your heart to.
Over the next three years you continued to have unattached sex. There was one boyfriend for a year in the picture, but you let him run your life. You gave up many more things for him because you were young and stupid (although naive fits better). After that you felt even guiltier for straying even farther off your path, so you had more sex than ever. Then you moved out of your house. The moment after that your parents separated and eventually divorced. For some unexplained reason you blamed this on yourself, and you let those feelings eat your heart out. After the divorce, you got even worse, now having sex with people you didn't even know. You felt more abandoned than ever. You were a lost soul and never realized it.
You tried to get in a serious relationship when you moved to Vail. You were trying to convince yourself that you weren't that person. The only problem was you never actually looked into what your motivations were. You got into the relationship for the wrong reasons, for self-satisfaction and not actual feelings. You never actually loved this guy, you were trying to prove something to yourself. It's easy to look back now, to realize why it didn't work out, no matter how hard it felt like you were trying... Once the relationship ended, you felt like a failure again, so you went back to your old ways once again.
Now you are at a good place. You realize the way you went about things in your past was wrong. You realize all your motivations
Educating the world about sexual assault and drug addiction one story at a time...
